CHICAGO — Fast food behemoth McDonald’s announced today that they will remove the McRib from their menu worldwide to enable mascot Ronald McDonald to effectively “go to town on his horrendous knob.”
“After years of weighing the pros and cons of doing so, I am grateful our leadership is removing one of our most popular menu items and enabling me to live as my true self,” the mascot clown said during a press conference. “With the McRib gone, there is nothing keeping me from scrummying down on my delicious, Grimace-shaped McPenis.”
“I haven’t been able to shake the idea ever since I saw the Hamburglar robble-robble his own beef patty back in the ’90s, so I’m incredibly excited to start my journey to a swift and easy nosh on my own rod,” McDonald added. “This is the real me: a clown whose big shoes are filled with feet, and whose mouth will soon be full of my own surprisingly slender penis.”
McDonald’s spokesman Joseph Ebert fielded questions.
“Ronald has been in talks with our head of development about this for years now,” Ebert remarked. “Although this might be off-putting or even upsetting to some, I urge you to go into this new period with an open heart and an empty stomach. Ronald has done so much for this big, blue marble we call home, and it’s about time we let him do something for himself.”
McRib fans were understandably vocal about the decision.
“Yeah, I was pretty confused, if we’re being completely honest,” said concerned McRib enthusiast Dom Anderson. “Like, I don’t absolutely love the idea of a clown stuffing his face full of his downstairs pork… but if that’s what he needs to be happy, then go for it. In the grand scheme of things, what’s a little self knob-slobbing gonna do to hurt the rest of us? Although I’ll miss the McRib, I’m happy for the guy.”
McDonald will live stream the results of the McRib removal via the digital menu at all McDonald’s locations this coming Wednesday.
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